reflections.

so it's been a long time.
so I suppose I have a lot to say and vent about. haha.

I suppose I'll start with...
TOUR WAS AWESOME! we had a lot of fun and met a bunch of new people! great times. I especially appreciated playing the show in my home town. I really miss home. a lot. and the people there. For some reason, I feel like I missing something because I'm not there... Even though I KNOW nothing is happening. haha.
I suppose I just miss having those friends. and doing the things I did there.

We're recording in Jan with Eric Arena (UnderOath, A Day To Remember, Farewell To Freeway)!
we're super excited to do this EP. it's going to be a 6-song cd that I promise will have you singing, screaming, dancing & moshing.


I moved out of my apt.
I currently reside somewhere between my van and zach's house until I find a new place.
so my ability to deal with my normal business dealings are very limited since I don't have internet much.
hopefully I'll be able to get that part of my life back on track soon.

For the first time ever, I've been having a reoccurring dream.
The dream isn't always the same. but it always has the same basic story line.
I take a vacation from work and go back home to visit my friends in GA. and somehow, I'm convinced to stay and somehow end up re-attending my high school for another year before I move back.
It scares me a bit because now I'm afraid to visit or call home because now I feel like it might come true... not going back to highschool of course... that's not possible. haha
I'm not exactly sure, but I think I know what it means.
I suppose Davidson Fine Arts (my middle/high school) was what I considered a big part of my life for 5 years... to the point where I almost lived there.
I guess that me going back to high school in my dream is symbolic for me starting a life similar to what I have in MA back home with people I grew up with. I suppose this is coming from my feelings of missing something at home.
I guess I kinda miss being in a setting where I feel more confident about who I am and respected... not that I don't feel respected here. but it feels like when I was home, I had ALOT more respect for what I did and who I was, in both music and my growing involvement in theatre... and just as a person in general.

Mike from work got married the weekend before last and he comes back from his week-long honeymoon monday.
I remember a year ago, the monday after he met this girl he was SO excited to tell me about her at work and how much he connected with her from just hanging out with her that one weekend when he met her. Then I remember a few months later he told me that he wanted to marry her... and now they're married. wow.
I don't think I've wanted that more than ever since I've actually seen it happen from start to finish.
And I know I'm kinda pushing things. and that I really have all the time in the world for that to happen... but for some reason I feel like it will never happen for me.
I always feel so completely alone. nearly everynight when I lay in bed, I feel incomplete. as if my day isn't finished. until I can say to someone before I sleep

"I love you."

I guess I'm tired of waiting for her.
Tired of waiting for her to please everyone else.
Tired of waiting for her to do what she wants despite what I may want.

because if this is what she really wanted, I really wouldn't be in this situation, right?
She'd be willing to find me and hang out with me, love me, make sacrifices for me like I do for her.
But as usual. I'm not really significant enough for her to do any of those things for me like she does for others.

So why can't I stop waiting?

in the end.
I need to distract myself. with something... I need a hobby.

Maybe I'll take up golfing...

... I hate golfing.