I may be emotionally collapsing.

I find myself dropping in and out of demi-depressions several times
throughout the day.
perhaps I think too much. or allow myself to get too concerned about
life. maybe I'm taking life way too seriously and just need to chill
out.

I'm still working on getting ahead in my finances. hopefully (unless I
get really sick again or something bad happens) I can finally consider
myself caught up by the end of april... I'm on the level of breaking
even right now. but I have to get ahead of the game so that I can
purchase a new car.

My mother is really ill at the moment. I'm considering going back home
to take care of her for a week or two in april. but I don't know if I
can really afford to. she has a surgery coming up on april 15. I
recently talked to her for the first time in awhile hoping to resolve
our differences. but as expected, she spend the whole conversation
reminding me that I'm a terrible person and the shame of her life.
awesome.

I'm considering moving to NYC. I might have to if I can't find a new
roommate to live in my apt. the costs are getting high and my other
roommates are having problems with money as well... so we might have to
drop the lease. Monica, Rose & Zimmy are moving to NYC in Sept. so maybe
if I can hold out until then, I can maybe get a place with one of them.

I'm finally starting to work on my screenplay again. I'm seriously
getting so many good ideas from living with my roommates. our lives can
be quite funny at times. we really are quite a cast of characters. and
its leaking into my character development.
I'm also formulating some short stories that I'll probably post on here
when I finish writing them.

musically, my world is static. I'm probably gonna start making more
music for my own personal solo/recording project again. and my band is
kinda lacking motivation as of late. I'm starting to grow tired of
baby-sitting them and having to push them into working hard.
unfortunately the music business is rough and dirty and not all fun and
games. and they have yet to see that.

but I guess what's bothering me the most over the past few months is me
slowly loosing my best friend. and moreover losing the person I care
about most.
its been slowly breaking my spirit.
and although I try to be a good friend she continuously pushes me away
and makes me feel like a terrible friend. like nothing I say is ever
right or enough for her. I know she's having a rough time too though. so
I'm trying really hard to disregard anything that she says that hurts
me. I seriously don't think she tries to upset me at every turn, but she
does quite often. I have soooo much that I want to say to her that I
can't because she doesn't need that from me. she's really the only
person I have right now and I don't know how I'm gonna deal with myself
when I finally lose her all together.

I hate mostly negative posts. but I kinda had to vent.
I refuse to give up on life.
I'm not that weak. and I have so much to prove to myself.

here's to the future
long live the past

leave some! :)




PS.
You gotta be careful not to run onto the wrong set when you're filming a movie :P

I've come to a few very important realizations in the past week.
I won't go into great detail about them, but these conclusions mean a lot to me.

I have gained friends who mean the world to me.
Although I've had to leave behind some friends in GA that I love very much, I've come to gain a few friends that have proven to be just as noteworthy as the ones I grew up with.

My band is continuing to go through some changes that will change our progression. We recently lost our drummer and we're currently working with a few different people to potentially fill the position.

I've recently gone through a period of failing health due to my inability to find transportation and eat healthy. But hopefully things will look up soon.
My period of financial instability has not yet been cleared, but is so far looking to be resolved within the next month or so.
And my month of emotional collapse has finally calmed down. Although I have still refused to give up hope on what want over anything else in life.

but to end on a crazy note.